Remembering our Angels

A year ago today, Duffy and I had an IVF procedure done. God saw fit to give life to two little embryo's that we nicknamed "Boone" & "Johnson". They were only with us for two short weeks, but the impact of the spiritual journey that they sent us on will be with us forever. It's amazing to see what God has done with us over the past 30 months of infertility, but kind of hard to describe. I journaled this one year ago...

"So much of this process has gone on in my head and my heart with no witnesses or onlookers. It’s been an emotional journey as well as soul-searching. Diving to the root of theology, the sovereignty of God, the sanctity of life, and God’s will versus man’s free-will – I haven’t avoided the tough questions or dilemmas. Whether it works or not – I know that there are no accidents with God. Whatever the result may be, I pray that it is within his will and will bring Him glory. I have to release control… let go and let God."

After getting the call that the embryo's had not implanted and we weren't pregnant, I was devastated. All the pretty theology that I had worked out in my head prior to the procedure, was hard to remember. My emotions took over - fear, anger, frustration, and confusion. After months of struggling and searching - I circled right back around to acceptance, peace, and joy in my walk with the Lord.

A week ago today, we lost two more children as Lovie and Ju Ju Bean were moved out of our home. This time, I haven't fallen into the depths of despair and sadness like I did last year and I can't help but think that I owe this newfound strength and peace to the lessons I learned from Boone & Johnson. Losing them strengthened my faith, deepened my walk, and has taught me how to trust God beyond my understanding and past my fear. I'm clinging to his plan for me - no matter what loss or gain it may bring in the future.

Natalie Grant Lyrics – I Will Not Be Moved

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out

I have questioned Sovereignty

And had my share of doubt

And though sometimes my prayers feel like

They’re bouncing off the sky

The hand I hold won’t let me go

And is the reason why

I will stumble I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes I will face heartache

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart

Many times before

My life has been like broken glass

And I have kept the score

Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed

That I was far too gone

My brokenness helped me to see

It’s grace I’m standing on

And the chaos in my life

Has been a badge I’ve worn

Though I have been torn

I will not be moved